I've written this so many times, I've lost count. I have tried to post it numerous times too but my fear always took over. I spoke to my family about my idea for this blog. They told me to go for it. So today, I decided to do just that. This blog will be about my personal experience living with a family member who is suffering from depression. I don't feel comfortable talking about myself but with this subject, I feel that I have to share my story with everyone so that there is a chance of helping someone else. I've realized that the family of someone who is suffering with depression are usually not thought of enough. The family are the biggest support network to that person but most of the time they need some kind of support for themselves too. This is my story...
I have lived with someone who suffers from depression since I was a child. At the age of about 10 I first encountered this illness. Obviously, at the age of 10 I didn’t really understand what was going on. I was dragged along to counselling sessions with my family member for years. They hated going and so did I. There was something cold and unfriendly about the place we went to and we just hated being there. I understood depression as someone being very sad. I tried to counteract this sadness by making presents and doing things for that person that would make me feel better if I was sad. Nothing really worked though and soon this sadness turned into cutting, hurting themselves and attempted suicide. When I was old enough to really understand, my parents explained to me what exactly depression was. I remember having a horrible churning feeling in my stomach and feeling so sad for my loved one. I felt helpless as nothing I did seemed to help. I also felt ashamed because I felt angry at this person....uncontrollable anger at the thought of them wanting to leave us all without them. I felt like it was all my fault. I felt like I wasn’t pleasant enough to be around or I annoyed them too much or there was something I did that made them want to leave me forever.
After a while, things seemed to get better. My family member seemed happier and a lot of horrible things that had been happening stopped. Within these years I went through school always worrying about my loved one and being extremely protective over them. Nobody really knew everything that had been happening except for family members and a few very close friends. It was not something that I wanted to talk about or give any of my attention to when I didn’t have to. I was very aware of people around me and how much of a stigmatised subject depression was/is, so I kept my mouth shut. I felt that it was not my place to talk about what was happening at home as it wasn’t directly happening to me. Well, I wasn’t the one suffering from the illness. I went through college and studied psychology and psychiatry and began to really understand everything about the illness. I realized throughout my time in college that although what was happening at home throughout my childhood was always in the back of my head I had also blocked a lot of things out. I feel that this was detrimental to me.
A little while after I was finished college, things at home started to get bad again. My loved one became very withdrawn and spent most of their time in their room. It quickly came to light that my family member was suffering from depression again, a long time before they told us about it. I felt different this time about the situation and how to cope. As a child I had many distractions with school and my hobbies, but now there was nothing to distract me. I felt like I had absolutely no protection from what I knew was to come. I completely froze. I pretty much became a recluse. I didn’t want to go out because I didn’t want to leave my family member alone in fear of what would happen or that they would need me and I wouldn't be there to help. I stayed away from friends that knew nothing and some friends that did know, distanced themselves from me. That hurt a lot. My loved one had learned different coping mechanisms over the years and one that had helped them was to be very vocal with how they were feeling. I was delighted that they could speak openly and knew that this was a massive step for them but for me, I was suffering with every word they were telling me. I hated hearing details of how they felt or what they were thinking of doing to themselves. I couldn’t bare to think of how upset they were and I feel like I did not help at all. I froze when they came into a room or started telling me things. A lot of the time I had no response and I felt so guilty and horrible because of it. I still do. I was angry at myself also for having so much knowledge of this illness but not being able to do anything. Every time the phone rang I felt sick because I was terrified that it would be someone telling me that they were gone. I had days of uncontrollable crying or lashing out at loved ones. I know it sounds stupid now explaining how I was feeling but at the time I didn’t actually realize how much I was affected by everything. It was only when I could see how my other relationships were suffering that I knew I had to do something. I sat down with my parents and explained to them how I was feeling and that I couldn’t cope anymore. They made a decision there and then that everything had to change. They were pretty much feeling the same way that I was and we all realized that everything in the house had to be completely out in the open. My loved one had been avoiding going to see a counselor for months but knew that they really needed to in order to get better . I got the number for Pieta House and they started weekly visits. Pieta House really helped my loved one and I truly feel that ever since their first visit there, they began to recover. From watching my loved one going to these sessions numerous times a week, I really admire them for having the courage to help themselves and putting themselves out there. They are one of the strongest people that I know. I don’t know if depression is something that you ever truly recover from but learning how to cope with it better always helps.
I still feel guilty for how I reacted to my loved ones illness but I know that from blocking things out as a child I set myself up for disaster. Although I know that talking about how you feel usually helps, I found solace in writing things down too. From my experience with depression from a family members viewpoint, I realized that the people living with or close to the person suffering with depression are sometimes forgotten about. I realized that you must take care of yourself in order to help anyone. If you are not in the right head space then it is extremely difficult to help someone else. I’m pretty sure that anyone who has experienced living with someone who is suffering from this illness will at some stage blame themselves. Don’t! Depression is such a personal disease in the respect that the person is completely wrapped up in their own head. Most of the time they blame themselves for everything. Sometimes they do lash out and say things that they don’t mean but you do have to try your best not to take anything personally. I look at depression now like a prison. A personal prison that a person who suffers from depression lives in, completely alone. And the only person that can release them from that prison is themselves. It is heartbreaking to see someone you love go through something so horrible but you have to be strong for them and for yourself.
Throughout the past year, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned how to cope better with everything at home and how not to blame myself. I have learned how to help my loved one more. I feel that one of the most important lessons that I have learned is that you have to distance yourself from negative people in order to think positively. I decided to surround myself with only positive people and I am so much happier for it. Something like this always shows you who your true friends are and I am honestly grateful for every one of them. I believe that depression should not hold so much stigma in society. I think it is ironic that people who suffer with depression are told to speak out but yet society stigmatizes them for it. That is why I decided to write this, to share my story. Depression affects so many people and I know that talking about it openly really helps. I have lived through someone else's depression, someone I would do anything for. I didn’t know how to cope or how to feel. If I could have read something from someone who was in the same situation as me, I know it would definitely have helped. Just to be able to relate to someone else with all this would have been helpful. If you are in the same situation then please do take care of yourself too. Talk about it with people you trust, write things down or even go to see a counselor yourself. Do whatever you can to look after yourself so that you can be better equipt for looking after them. If everything is getting too much, don't be ashamed of it. Do something about it. If I can help one other person with my story, then putting myself out there and posting this is all worth it.
I truly hope this helps.
Le grá,
Claire.
I have lived with someone who suffers from depression since I was a child. At the age of about 10 I first encountered this illness. Obviously, at the age of 10 I didn’t really understand what was going on. I was dragged along to counselling sessions with my family member for years. They hated going and so did I. There was something cold and unfriendly about the place we went to and we just hated being there. I understood depression as someone being very sad. I tried to counteract this sadness by making presents and doing things for that person that would make me feel better if I was sad. Nothing really worked though and soon this sadness turned into cutting, hurting themselves and attempted suicide. When I was old enough to really understand, my parents explained to me what exactly depression was. I remember having a horrible churning feeling in my stomach and feeling so sad for my loved one. I felt helpless as nothing I did seemed to help. I also felt ashamed because I felt angry at this person....uncontrollable anger at the thought of them wanting to leave us all without them. I felt like it was all my fault. I felt like I wasn’t pleasant enough to be around or I annoyed them too much or there was something I did that made them want to leave me forever.
After a while, things seemed to get better. My family member seemed happier and a lot of horrible things that had been happening stopped. Within these years I went through school always worrying about my loved one and being extremely protective over them. Nobody really knew everything that had been happening except for family members and a few very close friends. It was not something that I wanted to talk about or give any of my attention to when I didn’t have to. I was very aware of people around me and how much of a stigmatised subject depression was/is, so I kept my mouth shut. I felt that it was not my place to talk about what was happening at home as it wasn’t directly happening to me. Well, I wasn’t the one suffering from the illness. I went through college and studied psychology and psychiatry and began to really understand everything about the illness. I realized throughout my time in college that although what was happening at home throughout my childhood was always in the back of my head I had also blocked a lot of things out. I feel that this was detrimental to me.
A little while after I was finished college, things at home started to get bad again. My loved one became very withdrawn and spent most of their time in their room. It quickly came to light that my family member was suffering from depression again, a long time before they told us about it. I felt different this time about the situation and how to cope. As a child I had many distractions with school and my hobbies, but now there was nothing to distract me. I felt like I had absolutely no protection from what I knew was to come. I completely froze. I pretty much became a recluse. I didn’t want to go out because I didn’t want to leave my family member alone in fear of what would happen or that they would need me and I wouldn't be there to help. I stayed away from friends that knew nothing and some friends that did know, distanced themselves from me. That hurt a lot. My loved one had learned different coping mechanisms over the years and one that had helped them was to be very vocal with how they were feeling. I was delighted that they could speak openly and knew that this was a massive step for them but for me, I was suffering with every word they were telling me. I hated hearing details of how they felt or what they were thinking of doing to themselves. I couldn’t bare to think of how upset they were and I feel like I did not help at all. I froze when they came into a room or started telling me things. A lot of the time I had no response and I felt so guilty and horrible because of it. I still do. I was angry at myself also for having so much knowledge of this illness but not being able to do anything. Every time the phone rang I felt sick because I was terrified that it would be someone telling me that they were gone. I had days of uncontrollable crying or lashing out at loved ones. I know it sounds stupid now explaining how I was feeling but at the time I didn’t actually realize how much I was affected by everything. It was only when I could see how my other relationships were suffering that I knew I had to do something. I sat down with my parents and explained to them how I was feeling and that I couldn’t cope anymore. They made a decision there and then that everything had to change. They were pretty much feeling the same way that I was and we all realized that everything in the house had to be completely out in the open. My loved one had been avoiding going to see a counselor for months but knew that they really needed to in order to get better . I got the number for Pieta House and they started weekly visits. Pieta House really helped my loved one and I truly feel that ever since their first visit there, they began to recover. From watching my loved one going to these sessions numerous times a week, I really admire them for having the courage to help themselves and putting themselves out there. They are one of the strongest people that I know. I don’t know if depression is something that you ever truly recover from but learning how to cope with it better always helps.
I still feel guilty for how I reacted to my loved ones illness but I know that from blocking things out as a child I set myself up for disaster. Although I know that talking about how you feel usually helps, I found solace in writing things down too. From my experience with depression from a family members viewpoint, I realized that the people living with or close to the person suffering with depression are sometimes forgotten about. I realized that you must take care of yourself in order to help anyone. If you are not in the right head space then it is extremely difficult to help someone else. I’m pretty sure that anyone who has experienced living with someone who is suffering from this illness will at some stage blame themselves. Don’t! Depression is such a personal disease in the respect that the person is completely wrapped up in their own head. Most of the time they blame themselves for everything. Sometimes they do lash out and say things that they don’t mean but you do have to try your best not to take anything personally. I look at depression now like a prison. A personal prison that a person who suffers from depression lives in, completely alone. And the only person that can release them from that prison is themselves. It is heartbreaking to see someone you love go through something so horrible but you have to be strong for them and for yourself.
Throughout the past year, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned how to cope better with everything at home and how not to blame myself. I have learned how to help my loved one more. I feel that one of the most important lessons that I have learned is that you have to distance yourself from negative people in order to think positively. I decided to surround myself with only positive people and I am so much happier for it. Something like this always shows you who your true friends are and I am honestly grateful for every one of them. I believe that depression should not hold so much stigma in society. I think it is ironic that people who suffer with depression are told to speak out but yet society stigmatizes them for it. That is why I decided to write this, to share my story. Depression affects so many people and I know that talking about it openly really helps. I have lived through someone else's depression, someone I would do anything for. I didn’t know how to cope or how to feel. If I could have read something from someone who was in the same situation as me, I know it would definitely have helped. Just to be able to relate to someone else with all this would have been helpful. If you are in the same situation then please do take care of yourself too. Talk about it with people you trust, write things down or even go to see a counselor yourself. Do whatever you can to look after yourself so that you can be better equipt for looking after them. If everything is getting too much, don't be ashamed of it. Do something about it. If I can help one other person with my story, then putting myself out there and posting this is all worth it.
I truly hope this helps.
Le grá,
Claire.
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